McMillan & Wife

Scott — Fri, 08 Jul 2011 03:12:46 +0000

This show looks like it has all the sexiness of a hysterectomy patient en route back to the car. It’s got the dryness and rigidity of the anti-Elvis movement smothered in saltpeter. “Um, salutations. Reservation for McMillan and wife?.. Mmm, this place looks lovely, dear– watch your step. Ooo, mmyes…”

Ozzy did good

Scott — Thu, 07 Jul 2011 16:14:09 +0000

Listen to old Black Sabbath stuff and you’ll hear Ozzy Osbourne often says, “Yeeah!!” at the end of most verses. I wonder if it’s the music in his soul, or if he’s just self-applauding the fact he got through the lyrics like, “nailed it!”.

The I Didn’t See It Movie Review

Scott — Thu, 07 Jul 2011 03:04:28 +0000

I’m going to start writing movie synopsis’ for movies I’ve never seen, solely from what I’ve only seen bits and images of, all of which were retained from ads, memory, and what I honestly assume the movie is about based on practically nothing.

A Beautiful Mind: Some autistic, slow janitor guy is so sexless, his only joy is to solve math problems when no one’s looking. Everyone finds out when he leaves some math shit on the bathroom mirror after filling the tampon dispenser. He awkwardly bones his co-star and probably dies at the end to give the film a ‘wasted potential’ message. -1999 PG-13, Russell Crowe, Jennifer Connelly.

Good Will Hunting: See above. Replace Russell Crowe with Matt Damon and Jennifer Connelly with Ben Affleck. Robin Williams smiles creepily at one or several points. -1997 R, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Robin Williams, Dean Winters.

Lawnmower Man: A slow, retarded landscaper stumbles into the house of a client who owns a computer and becomes an evil genius via a 14.4k speed Internet connection and shitty 90′s CGI. He becomes hell-bent on a plan that nice people wouldn’t agree with and they make him dumb again. -1991 R, Jeff Fahey.

Frisky

Scott — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 03:04:26 +0000

My yogurt says, “Luscious fruit on the bottom”… Are you getting fresh with me, yogurt cup?

Peace

Scott — Tue, 05 Jul 2011 03:04:27 +0000

Can we squelch this “east coast, west coast”, “biggie vs. tupac” feuding before one of those guys dies for real?

Blue Chips

Scott — Mon, 04 Jul 2011 03:04:25 +0000

Who’s coming to my Blue Chips party tonight? A shit ton of blue food coloring, a shot ton of doritos; we’re gonna eat blue chips and watch Blue Chips, starring Nick Nolte and Shaquille Oneal.

She got wood, too.

Scott — Sun, 03 Jul 2011 03:04:23 +0000

This is a universal human reaction to wooden rails, I think.

Breakfast rage

Scott — Sat, 02 Jul 2011 03:04:22 +0000

When I go to breakfast and all the pancakes are gone, I go crepeshit.

Blueberry desires

Scott — Sat, 02 Jul 2011 02:29:07 +0000

I think I’ve found the world’s sluttiest rolls.

Egg on my face (and ass)

Scott — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 03:04:20 +0000

“7-Up my ass!” #sodacriticismsthatbackfire