5 Abstract Things To Accomplish in 2009

5 Abstract Things To Accomplish in 2009

-January, 15th by Scott Urmson

It's resolution time once again. A time for a retrospective look at the past year followed by a vicious beating and lashing at your psyche with endlessly abusive judgements of the mind and self in how much of a loser you are. In the perception of all the time you wasted, constantly and consistently you reinforce the psychology that you appreciate time more than you do yourself. So, you punch the buh'jeezus out of your mentals every January in hopes you'll preform better in the new year. I'm no different. Accordingly, I've compiled a list of goals for the 2009'z. Here's to making shit happen.

First and especially foremost, directly in line with the resolution/self-abuse subject, this year I hope to get pistol-whipped by a very angry Robert Loggia. This can occur for whatever reason; perhaps I tell him his orange juice ad sucked ass. This would be a flat-out lie, of course. Anything that would force him to lash out and call me a, "muthafacka!". I'd be honored. Forehead and mouth/chin area are acceptable places, but please avoid the nose area. I'm fragile.

Second, I'd like to develop and pitch a new series to ESPN called Extreme Forklift Driving. Joe Rogan will commentate this new sport where forklifts are transformed into human-driven hockey sticks and pallets to pucks. It's part Battlebots, part extreme inline skating. Points are added to traditional goals when they preform extreme stunts such as the '360 pallet spin'.

Third, I'm going to introduce H.G.H., or "human growth hormone" into Fruit By The Foot snacks. I'm not sure why. I think it's because I'd laugh 'til I piss myself if I saw a school playground full of kids like Richard Sandrak. He was at one time the world's strongest/creepiest kid; who I would allege grew up to be an egocentric double-douche; a 'doich'', if you will. He's probably scumming on chicks right now: "Come on baby, you can't say no to this. You like muscles, right? Look baby, it's knocking on your door, let it in".

Next, I will achieve a lifelong dream as well as overcome a huge obstacle when I create a beautiful artificial afro for myself. All of my life, my hair had been very fine in density as well as being straight. With this artificial afro, I will use it like a handy compartment by keeping fun things in it like loose chips, keys, and Hotwheels cars. "Ooo, a Sunchip".

Finally, I plan to open a charity organization whereby volunteers forge fraudulent stacks and bags of fanmail for washed up and forgotten actors and celebrities. Putting a smile on their faces, allowing them to put on their white leather jackets for a moment of 80's nostalgia, and bolstering their feeling of relevance and wantedness is priority number one to this organization. Here's an excerpt from a letter to our very own Corey Haim: "...I watched License To Drive again the other day. That's like my favorite movie, because it's not corny at all and I can really relate to it. Oh, and you know that smirk your face always makes? The one where it looks like you've got a cold and you're trying to smile but your nose is all stuffed up and you were just asked a question you don't know the answer to all at the same time? I love that! I wish I could make that face on queue...".