Bob and Tom Suck Fat Rods

Bob and Tom Suck Fat Rods

-July 13th, 2008 by Scott Urmson

I used to work at a medical supply company where we would have the radios on in the clean-room. In the morning time, the radio would be set to which ever station syndicated The Bob and Tom Morning Show. At the time, I found enjoyment in it since I had yet to work in a place that allowed radios to be played constantly. This was also the days before podcasts were around, so in an effort to fulfill the search for such content that podcasts would later provide, I ended up buying around three Bob and Tom best-of CDs. So bear in mind throughout this attack that I'm just as much an apetard as I claim them to be.

There are three key observations that I'd like to zero-in on and judge righteously. The first and foremost one being that not everything is ulcer-inducingly funny. Yet, at any time during conversation—mid, pre, or post-punchline—they're all howling and cackling like they're audience members at the Def Comedy Jam. I love laughter. I love comedy. Yet, there's something so off-putting and offensive to how they laugh hard at everything. It makes you think they're not listening to their own guests. Comedians are supposed to judge their own preformance on how many laughs per minute they got. Not how many laughs per sentence. "Hey, I just came here from the airport...", "Ha! Ha! Haaaa! 'Airport'!", "Yeah, the airport's always a bitch...", "Aaaahahaha! 'Bitch'!"

The second thing that irritates the fuck out of me, is that although making phony product commercials and skits are great, they still manage to kill any joke. They're like Raid for funnies. Given an example: They had one product parody of Wheaties called 'Weedies'. Very creative, I'm sure. The premise is as basic as can be. So basic, in fact, that they make no effort to expand the joke. The premise alone is the whole joke. How do they finish the job, then? They reenforce the premise's humor to thicker-skulled individuals with 60 seconds of "wink-winks" and "get it's?"

In the case of 'Weedies', a stoner kid and mother prepare for school with a bowl of Weedies. The announcer pauses slightly before every mention of the name, "With... 'Weed-ies', you get everything you need...". They're all but actually saying the words, "Get it?", after every delivery. Weak premises and rancid puns turned into commercials where they stretch out every similar scenario possible in between over-explainatory interjections by the announcer. Then, of course, they're cackling like dolphins at their own jokes throughout while we listen.

Here's how an unintentional joke would naturally occur: "Hey, I think the word 'douchebag' has a monopoly on the insult market and is getting a little over-used these days. I like 'buttfucker'. I think 'buttfucker' should make a comeback. Actually that last line kinda makes sense in a sick way".

See, now if I was The Bob and Tom Show, I would take that unintentional joke and ram it down your throat like this: "Hey, I said... I think 'buttfucker' should make a 'come'... 'back'... get it? 'come', 'back'?... because they're behind?...fucking you?"

The final thing that ruins the show is that their primary guests are comedians. This sounds perfect. I love standup comedy. Unfortunately, every single interview is a setup for the comedian's standup material. They set the comedian up, the comedian goes into his joke and it's played off as natural conversation. I understand that this may not be the fault of the show, and that in truth, the comedian is only good on stage and is a terrible in-studio guest. I would believe this if not for the fact that they repeat this routine with every guest.

How is it that a radio show like Loveline can have muliple comedian guests and have entertaining conversations with spontaineous jokes and wise-cracks? It's called wit. To the comedians who can't hold an interesting conversation on-air; you have no business promoting yourself on talk-radio. Learn to design flyers. The people who can't see though this phony conversation marketing format of horse shit are the same people that spout-off Larry The Cable Guy quotes every sixty seconds.

Laughter is good. Comedians are good. Skits are good. The Bob and Tom Show, unfortunately, suck fat rods at presenting all three. I wanted to like you, but you sons of bitches let me down. Let me down big time. Oh yeah, I bought their CDs, which is more than most listeners gave back. So, you can call me just as much a flipper-baby. I don't win this round. Well played, shitty wacky morning radio show, well played indeed.