Learn To Cook, Dumbass

Learn To Cook, Dumbass

-June 06, 2008 by Scott Urmson

Cannibalism; the thought is scary, right? Frightening, even. Someone devouring you alive, beyond your will, as your consciousness fades out slowly is something that could keep you thinking about it for days in fear. Not so much anymore for me, though.

My friend Josh used to talk all about this guy Armin Meiwes at one point. It seems that in March 2001, Mr. Meiwes met the man who answered his internet advertisement asking, "Who wanna get eaten by me?". Although Josh was fascinated by this story, I was put off by it and gave it no mind. He wasn't the only one enamored by this tale; one of my favorite music acts, Rammstein, made a song about it called 'Mein Teil'.

That was in 2001. It wasn't until today that I found myself reading the story and learning that I was the one missing out all along. You see, while I was preparing for some ruthless, cringe-inducing sickness, I found that the story reads more like a bad sketch comedy script.

This frumpy-looking fuck, Armin, posts an ad on the internet that reads, "looking for a well-built 18 to 30-year-old to be slaughtered and then consumed". He gets plenty responses with this being the internet and all, but the lucky gem is Bernd Jürgen Brandes. Since I don't like that name, let's call him Jergen Schpergen. What intrigued me the most and led me to read about the story is that every article blip I've ever seen would say that Armin and Jergen Schpergen "attempted" to eat Schpergen's severed penis before Schpergen was ultimately destroyed and devoured like a sloppy joe."

What does that mean, "attempted"? Well, Jergen being a mutilation-freak initially wanted Armin to bite his dick off. Unlike the strong jaws of a woman, Armin couldn't, so he used a knife instead. Jergen was like, "Hey, lemme eat some wang on the raw-tip, homie", which translated from German meant that he wanted to eat it raw. This second-time attempt to eat pud found itself in a failed state when Schpergen too couldn't eat through his own junk. I personally think they should have made bicycle tires out of this material by the sounds of the durability.

Meiwes told Jergen to hold his dick for a grip while he fired up the griddle for some pan-fried peepee. He sautéed the member using salt, pepper, and garlic. I personally would have used celery seed and a pinch of red pepper, but who am I to judge? It doesn't matter though, because by that time the wang-dinner was too burned to eat. Nice going, dick. I told you not to put the settings on high. Now we need to run all the way out to Subway for supper.

Jergen Schpergen was given booze and pills and was left to bleed-out in the tub while Armin read a Star Trek book for three hours, which is hilarious. In case you didn't notice from pictures of these guys, they looked a little dorked. You've still gotta think of it from Jergen's perspective. How lame is that?! This is your big night! Seriously, you read Star Trek on an off-day. Besides, you know you've already read the book. First, dinner's ruined and now you go read a book while leaving me sitting bored in the bathtub? What a cock-tease...no really, he ruined the ding dong meal, remember?

The end to the story is obviously that Armin was caught, convicted and is now serving life, but not before ten months of leftovers good enough to bag lunches daily to work. The irony is that since being incarcerated, he's become a vegetarian. You ate Jergen Schpergen. You can't be in the vegetarian club, stupid.