How To Be A Morose Douche

How To Be A Morose Douche

-Jan 22, 2008 by Scott

Ever find yourself wondering, "Hey, what can I do today to be a bigger douche for a gloomier tomorrow?" Well, the answer is quite simple; incorporate these six tips into your everyday life:

1. Change Your Clothes

Androgyny is key! View the picture given and realize that at least one of the people shown is a dude. Always keep that special-someone guessing. Dress code is universal, and rather simple; Renaissance era meets Midieval times meets Victorian era. Throw a little 80's punk in that bitch and you're straight. Mix it up, but keep it all black. Makeup, skin and hair-care will be discussed in a later step.

An important note is to recognise that going too far in any particular direction over another could end in mixed results. For example, stretching mostly towards a look of the Renaissance era may result in you looking like a "Ren-fair nerd". Unfortunately, these tend to be a happier bunch of people. To reverse this error, rip and shred your woman-dress or man-dress into tattered strands. As you can see, we're borrowing heavily from the goth subculture.

2. Change Your Name

Who do you want to be, "Steve: Prince of Sadness"? I don't think so. Next step is to work on that name of yours, because "Dennis" doesn't sound like he wants a symphony of sweet death to slowly drape over him. Let's look for dumb names like Malachi, Caleb, Azrael, or Gabriel. Choose one and call yourself by that name from now on; even if your mom still calls you "Danny".

3. Get An Anime Haircut

This is where the 'douche' part comes in. An Anime haircut is the antithesis of, "Hi, nice to meet you." It's a crucial move in ostracizing yourself from average people. The Anime haircut isn't free, though. It's quite expensive in both time spent in daily preparations and money spent on Aquanet.

One warning to consider is the possibility of a backfire scenario. Stupid ditzy bitches may want to touch your Yu-Gi-Oh hairdo while huffing and hawing over how cool they think it is. Simply grab them by the wrist, look deeply into their eyes, and say, "Never fucking touch me, sucka!" That oughta do it.

4. Obtain These Movies

Two must-have titles for your DVD collection are: The Crow and The Nightmare Before Christmas. I've never seen either one of these, so I have no clue why. All I know is that both vampires and douches flock to these two movies like chimpanzees to a pee-pee party.

5. Shun The Sun

This step can't be stressed enough. You simply cannot pull the look off if you're sporting a healthy skin tone. What we're looking for is the vision of floating belly-up in an above-ground pool on the surface of the moon; that's the pale we're looking for. Proper conduct when facing direct daylight is as follows; act as if the sun not unlike an annoying child grating on your nerves. Roll your eyes and scoff incessantly at it. Keep squinting, even well after the time it takes for normal human eyes to adjust to bright light.

6. Zero Participation

The most important tip of all. It's imperative that you understand why zero participation is necessary. First, you must observe the amalgamation of your efforts thus far. You've created an image for yourself. How well you sell the illusion depends on how well you hold the image. Remember, you're not actually in London, England during the Victorian era, despite the fact that you're dressed as such. Understand that the more modern activities you participate in, the more out of place you appear. You're no longer free to play tetherball, wiffleball, or climb monkeybars.

As a quick example, let's say you saw a big gangster looking guy in New York City. You would find it rather probable that he's a legitimate gangster, based on his image and surroundings. Same thing applies here. If you've got the look down, but you're seen playing Barrel of Monkeys with a ten-year-old wearing a Spongebob shirt and you both squirt your shorts when you hear the ice cream van, you're not going to sell the illusion to others.

There you have it. Six easy to follow steps that will ensure you being a sad, sad human being/vampire-man. Now go out there and be the best doucheblaster this planet's ever seen.